You know what? I will never become that person who is blasé about being high up in the air, looking at the cotton clouds from above and the changing beauty of the miniature landscape below. All while I can have a gin and tonic. It’s a completely magical experience to me every time I ride in a metal bird.
I’m in heavy play-mode these days. I have several interesting games going. This is where I need to be in my practices; where I need to cultivate the power, attention, and resources to make a shift into a new game. I will increase the sensation in my body and spend the resources on the desires that will feed me. I’m ready to be who I want to be.
“There are two kinds of games in the universe: finite games and infinite games. A finite game is played to win. An infinite game, on the other hand, is played to keep the game going. It does not terminate because there is no winner.
Finite games require rules that remain constant. The game fails if the rules change during the game. Altering rules during play is unforgivable, the very definition of unfairness. Great effort, then, is taken in a finite game to spell out the rules beforehand and enforce them during the game.
An infinite game, however, can keep going only by changing its rules. To maintain open-endedness, the game must play with its rules.
A finite game such as baseball or chess or Super Mario must have boundaries — spatial, temporal, or behavioral. So big, this long, do or don’t do that.
An infinite game has no boundaries. James Carse, the theologian who developed these ideas in his brilliant treatise Finite and Infinite Games, says, “Finite players play within boundaries; infinite players play with boundaries.”.”
Sipping a coffee alone in a cafe in Copenhagen writing and listening to Bach – yeah Bach, wtf? – enjoying the thick feeling of rain clouds overhead and the drizzle outside the steamy cafe windows. The air is warm and humid and a couple sits beside me plotting and planning their lives together with real gusto, too accented for me to catch everything, but their attention on each other feels real and has spark and fire to it.
I can feel the music rewiring my brain, unlocking it and occupying my thoughts while the twists and turns of the song take my system on a mini adrenaline ride. New neural pathways abound.
“New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings.” ~Lao Tzu
Are you breaking up with me? After I regain consciousness from the initial shock and surprise I crack open. The high sensations from the sharp pain and sorrow pierce through me and I am swept instantly and thoroughly into a deep, wet mourning as my life as I knew it crumbles around me.
Then electricity fills me and my thoughts swirls into a quiet storm of all that needed to be done before leaving the island. My system swells with pending, un-potentiated energy. I feel thick and irritable. Suddenly I can’t leave soon enough.
On the plane, I weep for an hour as the door to my past closes forever. There’s a sense of finality as you lift off into the sky like nothing else. I feel all the previous versions of myself liquefying off of me faster than I can deal with. An intense grief wells up from my core and overtakes me completely, tears rolling down my cheeks, dripping onto my clothes thick and hot. I let it go on for a while and look at the sun rising over the clouds.
Coming back to Copenhagen. I feel dissipated and fucked up for several days, but then something very big that loves me very deeply came in and begin to settle me down. I begin to feel a sense of wholeness again. Cut loose from the form my life had taken and suddenly everything feels very fresh and new, as though seven layers of skin has been removed and I am a baby in the world again.
I hook up with a guy to fill up. As we bike to the beach to go swimming, a cool breeze play on my skin, keeping my body trembling slightly, every touch of his hand flushing me further into my involuntary. Every nuance of the busy world around us brushes up against me in waves. Every subtle wave of pain in my heart ripples outward through my body and out into the world. True tenderness has me both unapologetic and shy. A sense of being carried by a benevolent force fills me with wonder. Huge gratitude towards my friends holding me up. The texts roll in as everyone heard the news – “Don’t worry, sweetness; Faroe Islands has mysterious magic, but Copenhagen has cosy coolness.” My grief begin to alchemize into pure, crystalline joy and gratitude to be able to start anew.
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