The man I love, does not have the the right feelings for me. So we just now broke up. I’ve spent the day in bed trying to come to grips with that. Actually, I’m not angry, I understand where he coming from. I’ve previously been in his shoes in a different relationship. I’m just sad, and sorrow is racing though my body like a steam train right now. All I can do is let it run trough me and cry until there are no tears left. I’ve accepted reality as it is and that is a rare thing for me. I always think that I can “do” something about a situation. We have tried so hard at this relationship for so long, but in the end it all came down to the fact that the amount of basic feeling of love wasn’t big enough. I need to feel loved in a relationship, otherwise I’m outta there.
I’m lying here in bed, contemplating whether I sometimes fight too hard and for the wrong things and whether I should give up on things a lot sooner. I wear myself out with all these fights. I should use my energy wiser.
I have this analytical curse. I tend to think more than I feel. I try to distinguish between issues in a relationship which are differences in behavior, thinking and communication and the more, how to say, basic emotional fundamentals of love. The first things are possible to do something about, but the latter…all the mysterious factors of attraction are harder to decipher. Either the initial feeling is there or not. I’ve never experienced being partially attracted to someone, I’m either into it or not. I think I’ll have to become less analytical about this part of a relationship, I’ll just have to have the right feelings and make sure that my partner do, too, in order to proceed into a relationship. I think it’s possible to feel whether your partner is into you or not. I need a deeper connection with my feelings in that regard.
Actually, the more I think about it, the more I realize that there are no rules on these matters. Love and relationships is a game with many, many, many fuzzy factors and I think the best thing is just to roll with it.
All I know right now is that I have no intention of living my life feeling indifferently. Absence of feelings, doubt, passivity, fear and lack of interest are no options for me. I enjoy the everyday peaceful harmony of life, but if there is an underlying lack of love, I get paralyzed. And I have been. Now I’m hoping to move on. I’m good at that.