Confessions of a Free Woman
LifeThis summer, Danish television showed “FLYING: Confessions of a Free Woman” in a series of 6 episodes. At first I was not too keen to watch it, but after seeing one episode I was completely engrossed in it. The film is asking questions and considering issues that are really important to women. What does the modern woman want? What is a woman’s life like around the world? Do women have a special language? The narrative is following Jennifer Fox’s personal life over four years and her conversations with other women around the world. Super intimate and honest conversations. I’m really impressed. There are only very few of my own friends who are so open about their lives and how they live.
Jennifer Fox’s personal story really resonated with me. She was in her thirties when she started to think about doing this movie. Just like me, she had wanted to be free all her life, when suddenly at some point in her thirties she wanted a change. I’ve followed much of the same patterns in life as Jennifer. I have always had a lot of freedom. I wanted to have a lot of freedom. I have basically done exactly what I wanted to do all my life. Marriage, children and living a traditional A4 format life was never a goal for me. My mother raised me to become an independent person and I have become that. I really appreciate the opportunities and freedom that I’m fully enjoying. I feel that I’m good at being single. I feel being by myself is easy, I know what to do and I feel strong. Still, I would like to have a good realtionship with a man. My biggest challenge is to be in a relationship. I struggle when I’m in one. Always. I loose myself as soon as I enter one. Even if I swear that this time around I’ll make sure that it will not happen. I end up feeling more lonely in a relationship than I do when I’m actually single and by myself. So because of that, it’s always a relief to get out of relationships for me.
Nevertheless, I feel it’s time in my life to make a serious change. I really would like to be able to have an emotionally satisfactory relationship with a man. That is my goal. What it will take for me to be happy in one? I’m trying to figure that out now.
That is why it’s so inspiring to follow Jennifer’s blog on how she is trying to make a relationship work in a real way.
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I’ve been thinking about this post a lot lately. This is certainly how it’s been in my life: into my thirties I almost preferred being single, though of course I wasn’t always. I liked my independence, I even needed to know that I could be alone indefinitely and I’d be fine. And then something changed. It’s not that I didn’t want to be alone anymore so much as I realized that indeed, it really would be fine to be alone indefinitely, and I didn’t have a point to prove anymore, I could stop worrying about it. That sounds simplistic but it’s sort of true anyway. I’m still very surprised that I’ve been in a relationship for two and a half years now. The same one, I mean. And I’m even more surprised that I’m going to be a mother… But I am quite sure that my relationship wound up working out this time to a large extent because by the time I began it I have actually become very good at independence: being alone made me better at not being alone.
That is a really good point, LK! I’ve also experienced that when I’ve decided that I wanted to be single for a loooong time, I’d always meet someone who I really liked. So maybe it’s a really attractive thing to exude independence. If I were to be single for the rest of my life I’m absolutely confident that I would be fine, too :-). The loneliness that I often feel when I’m in a relationship, which I don’t feel when I’m single, may come from the fact that I loose myself and my natural independence when I’m in a relationship and I have to really work on holding on to myself.