To Begin, Begin

I woke up exhausted from one of these dreams where I walk around in endless hallways looking for…something. I put my hands on my forehead and tried to trace back my dream from memory. I wanted to find the feeling and mood to get some grip to what this could be about. The morning sunshine was warming my skin and underneath my chest my heart felt sore. A sensation of annoyance was whirling around in my body. I’ve only known survival anxiety as my motivational drive. Now I’m no longer scared. Then what? How can I navigate? Am I’m supposed to find motivation in doing what I love? I’m ambivalent about that. I don’t always feel good about doing things I love. Very often I feel guilty doing things the things I love. So for now I think I will do things which give me energy. I can navigate from that. That’s where I’ll begin.

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