Peaks and Valleys

“New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings.” ~Lao Tzu

Are you breaking up with me? After I regain consciousness from the initial shock and surprise I crack open. The high sensations from the sharp pain and sorrow pierce through me and I am swept instantly and thoroughly into a deep, wet mourning as my life as I knew it crumbles around me.

Then electricity fills me and my thoughts swirls into a quiet storm of all that needed to be done before leaving the island. My system swells with pending, un-potentiated energy. I feel thick and irritable. Suddenly I can’t leave soon enough.

On the plane, I weep for an hour as the door to my past closes forever. There’s a sense of finality as you lift off into the sky like nothing else. I feel all the previous versions of myself liquefying off of me faster than I can deal with. An intense grief wells up from my core and overtakes me completely, tears rolling down my cheeks, dripping onto my clothes thick and hot. I let it go on for a while and look at the sun rising over the clouds.

Coming back to Copenhagen. I feel dissipated and fucked up for several days, but then something very big that loves me very deeply came in and begin to settle me down. I begin to feel a sense of wholeness again. Cut loose from the form my life had taken and suddenly everything feels very fresh and new, as though seven layers of skin has been removed and I am a baby in the world again.

I hook up with a guy to fill up. As we bike to the beach to go swimming, a cool breeze play on my skin, keeping my body trembling slightly, every touch of his hand flushing me further into my involuntary. Every nuance of the busy world around us brushes up against me in waves. Every subtle wave of pain in my heart ripples outward through my body and out into the world. True tenderness has me both unapologetic and shy. A sense of being carried by a benevolent force fills me with wonder. Huge gratitude towards my friends holding me up. The texts roll in as everyone heard the news – “Don’t worry, sweetness; Faroe Islands has mysterious magic, but Copenhagen has cosy coolness.” My grief begin to alchemize into pure, crystalline joy and gratitude to be able to start anew.

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